ChristWire.org published an article on 8/14/10 titled Is My Husband Gay? which is really nothing but a Top 15 list of stuff to watch out for. I don't know why they didn't try to cash in on a few different demographics and boost themselves up on Google by calling it "Top 15 Ways to Tell If Hubby Is Homo", but I suppose the good people at ChristWire don't want to be mistaken for Cracked. For the record, for all the info I can find about this site it could be a subsidiary. No one can seem to figure out if the whole thing is fake or not. You can follow the link for the whole shebang, or check out Huffington Post for their take on it. For the rest of you, here's my take on the article, which instead of filling this space full of thoughtful arguments and impassioned pleas for equality (read: minding your own fucking business) I'm just going to rip this piece mercilessly for it's blatant stereotyping and unintentional try at "science". Please read the damn thing at the source for all of their "data". I'd cut and paste the whole damn thing but Lord knows I don't need to be on these people's radar.
TOP 15 WAYS YOUR HUBBY MIGHT BE SHOWING YOU HE'S HOMO
1. Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Yeah, because straight guys don't ever cheat and get caught because their secretive phone calls turn out to not be as secret as they thought, and no straight happily married man looks at porn on the computer. BWAHAHAHAHA! Sure thing, folks, and there aren't lots and lots of happily married couples who indulge in porn together. If you don't like your man checking it out on the DL then try sharing it with him, make suggestions, hell, make a video!
2. Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
If your man is checking out other dudes openly, that may seem odd. I would think 9 times out of 10 such a thing is more likely to trigger an internal response of "Badass jacket" or "Fucking Packers fan" than "Hello, Sailor". The article includes doing such things as being visibly upset when "visibly upset when someone does not return a compliment about his physical appearance". That's not a sign of gayness, that's just straight up douchebaggery.
3. Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
So all little kids, bored adults who worked a late shift the night before, and people coming down with colds are gay? Come on, even Jesus thought a couple of the Pharisees were boring and full of it, chances are you may just have a boring pastor.
4. Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
"Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. They sweat and they smell. Homosexuals often abhor this sort of thing..." Really? I can think of one time when 99% of men and women of all sexual proclivities love some sweat and smell. How are these "natural" couples having sex? "Just a second Husband, let me turn on this Neil Sedaka CD and grab the Febreze. That way your pungent man smell won't choke me this time. Lah Dee Dah, at least I know you're too gross to be gay!"
So....yeah. This is just plain retarded. The "reasoning" here is gay men use the gym as a way to hook up after looking at other hot sweaty men. First of all, wait a minute I thought teh Gays didn't like to sweat, and secondly, if the gym is where all the buttsex is happening then why hasn't the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist disappeared?
6. Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Again, he may just be a clueless douchebag. Does he watch Jersey Shore?
7. Strange sexual demands
"If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities." So....I'm gay now? What the fuck? I'm not even a dude! Does this automatically make me a lesbian, or should I just have the doc double up on my meds? Look folks, you will never go wrong with the assumption that everybody is kinkier than you think and you will be even more correct when you realize unless they're fucking you it's none of your fucking business.
8. More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Confession time. I like looking at chicks in pornos more than dudes, and I'm not a lesbian. Unless the cock in question is about to be mine (figuratively speaking of course) I really don't think about them too much. They're kinda funny lookin'. Vaginas aren't exactly that gorgeous either, aesthetically speaking, but I guess it's a "devil you know" kind of thing. Also, if I'm looking at a porno I'm looking more at the actresses makes it easier to really visualize and internalize the types of stimulation I'm looking for. When you're watching a movie of, say, someone swimming don't you start to feel the muscles in your arm flex a little, or maybe smell the ocean a little bit? I betcha someone who doesn't know how to swim would not feel those muscles or smell that air. Think about it.
How dare you make a living with a career that may not allow me to watch your every move?!
10. Too many friendly young male friends
Oh fuck me sideways, just rewrite this one. Is your husband Oscar Wilde?
11. Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
This includes such behavior as "excessive back talk and speaking with one’s hands." So that covers toddlers and Italians. Good job!
12. Love of pop culture
"Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement..." Really? That explains all those floats during Pride featuring a quartet of Betty White impersonators singing Lady Gaga tunes and being conducted by Perez Hilton. Speaking of the Lady, why isn't she mentioned? You're dropping the ball here, ChristWire!
13. Extroverted about his bare chest in public
"Does it seem like he’s purposely standing right in the middle of a crowd to show off his chest and arm muscles, peppering people with questions about how strong he looks?" Well then he might be a caveman, an extra off the "300" movie set, or just a douchebag. Really, folks, have you even heard of Occam's Razor?
"Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel?"
1. Like straight men don't binge drink? That's not a sexuality thing, that's an alcoholic thing.
2. What's a wife in this scenario supposed to do? Stay up until he returns, lean in and say "Is that...appletini I smell?"
3. GEL?!?! What the FUCK! 15. Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
"ask yourself whether you’re honestly looking for a man or just a shopping companion. Is sharing gossip more important to you than raising children? Ultimately, it’s a question of getting your priorities straight!" I'm not touching that one with a rainbow-colored disco stick. Shrinks. They help. Just sayin'.
3 comments:
Denny's 16 of those.
You know that's a satire website, right? It's owned by the same folks who run The Onion.
Jami, y'know in the 5 odd minutes or so I spent "researching" it, I couldn't find a definite answer one way or the other. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you're correct, but just like with the Easter Beagle I Want To Believe.
Denny. You're odd. I like you!
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