Potty time is over...

Just like every other mom on the planet I was so looking forward to having a potty trained kid. If nothing else, I wanted the money back in my pocket instead of in Pampers'. I thought it would free up that time spent on changings and wipings and stuff.

Yeah, right. Here's a typical conversation with my newly potty trained kid:

You need to go potty? No? Okay.....now wait a minute, your hanging on to that thing like it's about to run away. You think someone's gonna try and steal it? No you're not, stop being a smart aleck, go potty. Go potty. Go. Potty. Go in the bathroom. Go. Yes. GO TO THE BATHROOM. DROP YOUR DRAWERS. GET ON THE TOILET. LIFT THE LID DAMMIT! No you shouldn't repeat that. Okay, now go for it. Oh I have to stay here. Fine. Go ahead then, dazzle me. Okay, honey, honey, HONEY you just hosed your own leg and you're sitting down. It's okay to separate the penis from the testicle it is stuck to. Okay, good. Isn't that better? Wait, no. No. NO! Point it down! Down! DOWN AT THE WATER FOR GOODNESS SAKE! Okay, here's a square of toilet paper. Dab the end. Dab it. So you don't drip all over the place because you haven't figured out the shake yet. No I didn't mean hop down and shake like the dog! Good LORD child, doesn't that hurt when it's slappin' all over the place like that? Wow. Okay. Weirdo. Put your underpants back on. Put them on. PUT YOUR UNDIES BACK ON NOW! Don't you "okaaaaaaay" me young man! Just pull em' up! Honey. Honey? Woo hoo? Your penis is sticking out the bottom of the undies. Why is that? "It's comfortable?" I don't think so. Let me get those things untwisted. Because if your dork's hanging out it kind of defeats the purpose of underpants. Now lets get these shorts back on. They're backwards Sweetie. Backwards. Remember? The tag goes in back. The. TAG. Goes. In. BACK. THANK you! Now flush. Thank you. You can let go of the flusher now. Let go. Okay let's go and- what? No I won't take off the tank lid again so you can watch it. No. Because it's fixed now. I said no. No. What did I just say? That's right. Remember I'm still bigger than you.

So let me ask you this. Who's actually the trained one?