My job today was to babysit this swanky property in the rich part of town. I love going to this property not just because it is usually very quiet, but because the "haves" are always hilarious to me, a definite "have not".
There were only 2 story-worthy folks today, but they were plenty. One was a lady who, the last time I met with her she was trying to convince me that someone cased out her apartment to steal two glass decorative lizards. Two. Glass. Decorative. Lizards. It wasn't that I didn't believe her at the time, it's just I didn't care. What on earth was I supposed to do? They were on her patio, that's not exactly Fort Knox, no matter how inflated the rent.
Today our heroine, A, called me to tell me that the landscapers were playing horseshoes by her apartment. Horseshoes. That's not a euphemism or anything, they were just playing horseshoes. On their lunch break. Fiends! I feel for A, I really do. She's a mom with little kids at home which of course makes her insane and I get that. I'll tell you one thing though, there is no damn excuse for keeping a screaming baby propped up on the same shoulder that the phone is propped on. My right eardrum will grow back someday. Anyway, she kept saying how the landscapers were loudly playing horseshoes and that's really unprofessional and why would I pay such people who do these things? Um, I'm a TEMP I'm not paid to care about vendors at any particular property, sorry. When that line of reasoning didn't do the trick, she started telling me that they were walking on the rocks close to her railing and that's just like somebody doing whatever they want on my front yard! Yeah. There's a chihuahua that does whatever it wants on my front yard. I usually just yell at it and it goes away. But wait, there's more! They are also peeking in her window and watching her TV! This actually is a serious charge. If I caught somebody peeking in my window they'd be short a couple bits below the belly button, know what I mean? Anyway, I get the crazy lady calmed down and tell her that I'm sending the maintenance guy to check it out. She begs to be anonymous. Yeah. Whatever. I tell her the peeking will be taken very seriously and we will get it stopped. Um, wait, she says, the peeking isn't a big deal, but they are being so unprofessional playing horseshoes by her apartment! So now I know A's lying about the peeking, I will no longer listen to anything she says. It has become obvious to me she wasn't looking for a problem solved so much as she simply wanted me to chase away the brown people. Yeah, no. Not in my job description, but I did ask the maintenance guy to take a look. According to the landscapers they asked her if they could play horseshoes over there and she said yes. Head? Meet desk. Repeatedly.
The other guy, I don't know who he was. Given his attitude I would guess he's a condo owner and not a renter. The owners seem to have this combination of helplessness and snobbery about them that permeates their very aura. This guy comes charging in the office asking for a printer cable. Parallel port will be fine. No. No it won't. I'm not a Staples, Best Buy, shit, I'm not even a goddamn Wal-mart. I have never, and I doubt this will change, been in an office that keeps spare printer cables around for resident use. I tried to politely tell him that in the incredibly unlikely event that there was a spare printer cable around the office, I would have no idea where to find it as I am a TEMP. He started telling me where it MIGHT be. What the fuck? Are you kidding me? There. Are. No. Printer. Cables. I am not going to go on a one-woman scavenger hunt for a stupid cable that in the time he took trying to bully me into pulling one out of my ass, he could have gone to Target and bought one for under 10 bucks. He actually scorned me! Scorned me for not having Mary Poppins' purse or pulling a Geek Squad member from my cleavage. Douche. I hope he gets herpes. Parallel Port Printer Herpes.
The last thing I saw today wasn't at work, it was on the way home and it was awesome. An obviously homeless guy complete with scraggly beard standing on the median of a busy road holding a cardboard sign that said "Blah Blah Blah". I laughed and shot him a thumbs up. It was just the perfect ending to my day up in Snobby Valley.
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