Consideration

Today I was hoping to grab some lunch with the online guy...he has plans. Well. How nice. I can't stop thinking about how a friend of mine says that if he wanted to see me, he'd make time for me. So there you go. I guess that means nobody wants to make time for me. What a happy thought. You know, it's not easy, what I do. I work outside the home. When I get back from work I have a 3 year old attached to me demanding all my attention. Since that is impossible (I need to pee sometime, as well as eat, wash my face, change my clothes...) he then makes sure I know damn well how displeased he is with me leaving to go to work. Usually this involves doing anything and everything he knows he isn't supposed to. This not only drives me crazy, but I feel guilty for working. I am the only driver in the household so on the days I don't work I run all the errands, usually with the kiddo which is either fun or horrible, depending on his mood. I pay the bills and keep the budgets. I do without. I make the necessary calls (my mom has this thing against the telephone, I don't know why). I have the library card. I do the yard work. I cook sometimes. I help around the house when needed.

And I don't dare say a word about it because the people I know fall into 3 distinct categories:

1. They don't have kids and don't understand the big deal/consider it my fault for getting pregnant
2. They have husbands and don't understand the big deal/consider it my fault for not getting married
3. They did it and they had it SO MUCH WORSE and they will tell you stories that make you feel like the most selfish piece of shit ever for wanting something so horrible as 10 minutes to yourself, a meal without children, or 2 nights a week for dating

I admit, it gets to me. A cranky old woman, an energetic toddler with a smart mouth, 3 dogs and a cat. I get lonely. I get tired. And I get angry. Today I saw that the kid was full of beans. It's too damn hot still to go outside and the house is too small and full of animals to give him the room he needs. If I stayed here with him my mother would've gone berserk and quite frankly, I don't want to hear it and the small fry doesn't need to hear it. Far too often my mom gets so frustrated she comes out with something really nasty and I have to jump on her for it. I flat out told her if she had spoken to me that way when I was young she wouldn't be here today because we wouldn't speak.

So, to keep the peace and give both old woman and young boy what they need I took the offspring to McDonald's and the indoor playground therein. I had to split the food between cash and card, but dammit, kiddo got to climb and run and jump and yell to his heart's content until such time as I put my foot down and said we were leaving so he would actually eat the food I bought for him. He got to do it all in an air-conditioned environment with lots of different kids and about 8 or 9 parents watching. It was interesting, but I'll get to that in a different post.

After that, I wanted to give him plenty of time to eat so we drove way up in the hills and went to a swanky grocery store where kids get free cookies and they take food stamps (don't ask me, I've never figured that one out either.) First stop was, of course, the bakery. I love this joint's scones. We've got some good coffee in the house and the idea of starting my Monday with a peach scone and good coffee was way too good to pass up. But that's selfish. I can't just get myself a scone, so...ah ha! Apple fritters! Mom's favorite! So I get an apple fritter to go with her coffee too. Oh but that's not all! I wanted to get some bacon and over in the fabulous meat department they have Chicago-style all beef hot dogs. To an ex-Chi Town resident they are a godsend. Personally, I don't like hot dogs. I eat them maybe twice a year, if that. Mom and Nelson love them though so, what the hell, 3 hot dogs kind sir! What the fuck will I eat while they have their meaty tubes? No fucking idea. I didn't get myself anything. I could have. I love shrimp and scallops on the grill, mom can't eat them and Nelson doesn't care for shellfish so that would have been perfect, but...didn't even occur to me at the time. After I got home I realized I could have done that.

It is nearly 5 o'clock and not one person has thought to ask me what I wanted to do today.

Why do I do this? I can't think of the last time someone did something nice for me. Just me. No agenda. No reason, except they saw something, or heard something, or tasted something they knew I'd enjoy. Maybe I need to get a little selfish. Maybe I need to consider it karmic build-up and quit my bitching. I don't know. I really do not know! What do other girls do that makes a guy just say "Wow. I want to spend time with this girl." or "You know what? My girl's been pretty down lately, I'm gonna pick her up a pint of ice cream, or a cup of coffee, or pick up her favorite food for dinner." What do these girls do to get treated this way and where are the guys that actually do it? Today I got a message on OkStupid from someone with no profile (seriously they haven't done a single thing to it) making a crass sexual remark. That was the only line, an allusion to their penis and what it can do. Yippie.

And yet, I get told I'm too negative. Maybe I am. If nothing else, all you guys out there? Do something nice for your gal, especially if you happen to be dating a single mom. I can guarantee they need it.